Tuesday, January 7, 2014

My Mother Is a Character



I love my mother, but sometimes i want to trade her in for some peace! This woman can disturb me for life ehn... Its not like I'm her only kid o! I think she just loves me way too much.
Recently shes been nagging me about my weight. No be say i be yokozuna o! I just gained a lil bit of weight (dang Mexican tacos...lol) and, the weight is just sitting on my boobs! lol. I love it though. I was a C cup but now I'm a Double D! The way the boobs just exploded over night wows me! Im loving the attention my "girls" are getting... Hahahaha! I even named them...Nkemka(my own is bigger) and Ibuzitara (fat brought me). Seriously which girl wouldn't love big attention grabbing boobs? I know i do though! :)

Mama bear just thinks my chest is about to explode. She says it looks like those of a nursing mother and it may attract the wrong kind of attention. I'm like "ah haba! Mummie you sef...". But honestly its not like im leaving them hanging or something. They are safely tucked into my clothes you know... Christan girl style. lol. So tell me why this woman wont leave my boobies alone ehn? Haaa...see me o! lol.

Im sha cutting down on my chow this year. Ive been a lil out of control with the munching-s. I'm taking charge and getting it under control before i add more weight and, my boobs get to letter F or G and my mother goes into cardiac arrest. God forbid o! hahahaha :)

Also another reason for this my mama rant post is the guilt trip. My mother is the queen of it. I mean the guilt trip thing mothers do when they ask you to do stuff and you politely decline. Then they put on the puppy dog wounded look and start murmuring on how they carried you for  nine months and ish. Chai! My mama got that one on lock down. Na she invent that act. I try not to let her get to me but she always wins. The main one is She normally guilt trips me into driving her to places. She can drive o! but her Naija women party paroles are at night and she dont really like driving far at night. So of course she guilt's me into driving her to her night paroles. Sometimes i just want to sleep and me nwa sef dont like driving at night esp if i have no idea where im going to. I hate the GPS thing at night and Im just not too fond of my GPS. That one will take me round and round the place. Nonsense something.

Ok this one night my mum wanted to go to her friends Late mother's wake keeping. The thing was supposed to hold at a hall, 45 mins from where we lived. She tried to get me to drive her there but i declined and slept off. OMo i woke up and couldn't find my mother. The car was gone too. Haaaa.... i called her phone, no answer. I kept calling and at a point it started going to voice mail. Heyyy! I don die today i thought. So I called 911 and told them my mother was missing. Of course they gave me the 48 hours speech and how shes a grown woman and shes alright and blah blah. I waited and started calling my siblings in panic. I come tell dem say i don lost their mama o! hahahaha... My Brothers finished me on the phone. Talking about why did i refuse to take her and if something happened to her i should better dig grave for two cos i will be joining her. Idiot boys did nothing to calm me down. Well i stayed up that night and for almost four hours i kept crying and watching out the window for every car that approached hoping it was my mum, safe and sound.

I drifted off to sleep and when i opened my eye it was morning. I didn't want to get up and turn on the TV for fear of bad news. I stayed in bed and prayed to God to forgive me and bring back my mother. I started crying again. It was Then i heard the bathroom door open. I got up immediately to check whats up... and who did i see? MY MOTHER! I stood by the side watching her for a min and she was just there in the bathroom brushing her teeth. Heyy ehn... i wanted to beat the woman ooo! Imagine her all calm and brushing her teeth and i was a dead mess.  I don suffer high bp on top her head the whole night and there she was all healthy and hearty. I sha just stood outside the bathroom hands akimbo waiting for her to finish so she can come out and explain herself. Ah i was ready to dress her down...lol. It was like the roles were reversed. Im the mom and shes the kid that stayed out all night. hahahaha. When she came out she was like "ah Nne you're awake? Did i wake you?". Hahahahaha... Oh my gosh! I died right there. lol

Anyway it turned out she decided that night to free me of my driving Miss Daisy duties and go out on her own. Her phone wasn't really charged, so my numerous calls made the thing go off. It was a wake keep so naturally it lasted till morning. She did apologize but also she was very amused that i had even called the cops. The best part about this story is i no longer do all the night driving for her. Now she drives herself to where she wants to go party with other Naija mothers. She only calls on me if she really really needs me. And I'm now always happy to oblige. Nnem amaka. Love her! I ve got so many mum stories.lol She is a character i tell ya! And o i never did scream or yell at her. I was a crying mess that morning.Accommodate and Appreciate una mama o! The time is now! lol